The Battle of Cat Town

The Cat Town Cats have been feuding with their archrivals, the West Side Sky Cats for as long as either side remembers. They've been feuding so long in fact, that none of them remembers why the feud started in the first place. The climactic conclusion of the feud is presented here in this historically accurate recreation of The Battle of Cat Town.




It was an early morning in November when the attack came to the unsuspecting inhabitants of Cat Town.




The Cat Town Loafcat Tank Brigade was still eating their early morning cat chow when their arch-rivals, the West Side Sky Cats, launched an aerial assault against them! The West Side Sky Cats' Hellcat Flying Squadron unleashed a flurry of cluster bombs that scorched the earth with all manner of hellacious hellcatfire!




The normally-resplendent Duke Edmonton Quincy Adams of the Hillshire Farms was anything but bourgiose this fateful morning.

"HOLY WHISKERS OF SWEET JESUS' CAT! WE'RE ALL GONNA F**KING DIE!"




Mass hysteria fell upon the Cat Town Cats much like the firey napalm that rained down all around them! Screams of terror filled the air as did exploding kitty cats!




But there was one brave feline, battle-hardened over the years, who stood fearless and brought order to the chaos. That brave soul was none other than Brigadier General Fatty McButterpants Cat.

"Get a hold of yourselves you damn pussies! Man your battle stations! Loafcat Brigade, get on the ready-line, you lousy bunch of worthless flea-bags! Get those man-slaves to load up the Loafcannons! Send out the Tank Cats!




With renewed spirit, the Town Cats donned their ultra-high-tech battle armor and began the counter-attack.

Sergeant J. Edgar Purina Cat Chow III rallied the Loafcat Tank Brigade:

"You heard the general, men! Let's move out!"




"Sir, what do we do!"




"Load the loafcanons, private."





"Go go go! Get those loafcanons ready, you dirty, flea-bitten man-slaves!"




"By the grace of the mayor of Cat Town, I shall stop the enemy even at the cost of my 9 lives," cried the kamikazi loafcat brigadiers!




Even after being heavily shelled, Cat Town's mobile forces, the Loafcat Tank Brigade, rolled into action.




The Loafcanon Loafcats fought bravely tearing down most of the the West Side Sky Cats out of the air, even at the cost of their 9 lives. While the Tank Cat Brigade destroyed any survivors that happend to crash-land upon the earth!




Atop his noble steed, Melchior, The cowardly mayor of Cat Town, Puss McGee, looked on at the raging battle.

"By Jove, we can win this! General Fatty McButterpants Cat, you'll be getting another medal of honor if you save my sweet noble cat ass."




But then all of a sudden, the West Side Sky Cats pulled out their trump card: their super-secret super-weapon: Longcat! Longcat rose high above the heavens and mercilessly rained lasers of death upon Cat Town, decimating absolutely everything.




The destruction was total.




There were no survivors.




And finally the man-slaves were free! The tyranny of the evil Cat Town cats had finally come to an end.

Dan Marino (not the football hero) called his mom shortly after the battle was over:

"Momma? It's Little Danny, I'm finally comin' home! The Cat Town Cats have been vanquished! From henceforth, we are their slaves no longer!"




No actual cats were harmed in the creation of this tale. At least not by me... :3





Cat Town Loafcats! Never forget!


Click here for original unedited photos.

Touring the Heart of America

Steve and John were in love. They were both in love with America, the beautiful. So one lovely autumn day, Steve-o and John-bon decided to take a tour of the heart of America, Washington D.C.



In fact, people began noticing a patriotic glow around Stevie-jeebies and Johnny-five and were soon bit by the patriot bug themselves. So they all decided to dance together towards an icon of American patriotism.



Soon other people joined in the patriotic journey to that majestic icon! People were risking life and limb running through whole flocks of birds just to reach that pinnacle of liberty!



Even Peter Jackson (not the LotR director) chimed in to say "hey, what's all the hullabaloo?" and when noone replied, began running along with everyone else just for the heck of it.



And even Comrade Petrovich, lord bless his old-fashioned Commie soul, was touched by the Patriotic dance towards that monument of bald-eagle pride.




Ooooh, ho ho, what's this! Steverino and Long John and the crowd of patriot-crazies appear to be on the right track! "Banners of America", they all cried in perfect unison, "lead the way!"



The ruckus was so great that even the birds were like, "fuuug, let's go check it out!" So they all flew together in a type of flight-dance to the liberty core as well.



The American flags grew in numbers! The pride of people grew in spirit! It soared to the Heavens so that the angels themselves could hear freedom ring!



The pinnacle of pride! The weary voyagers had finally arrived at the base of the holy obelisk of freedom. Surrounded by banners laiden with broad stripes and bright stars, it stood with a mighty presence that brought tears to the children and bowel movements to the elders.



Those geezers, they just couldn't hold it. Luckily, like all other modern structures of America, this one was conveniently equipped with pooping facilities.



But nevertheless! The weary travelers had finally arrived to that majestic place, the Washington Monument. Oh, it's grandiose majesticity! So grand. So majestic. "O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain!"



Freakin' everyone started singing like a perfectly choreographed Broadway musical! "For purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain! America! America! God shed his grace on thee and crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea!"

And then everyone went to Outback Steakhouse and ate a big ol' steak, a baked potato and topped it off with a tall brew. The end.